Zip me up, Buttercup
by theallpowerfullme
Summary: Sasunaru, There's nothing Sasuke hate more then THEM.


Disclaimer: Last time I looked, I was writing on fanfiction dot net.

P.S. _No_, the characters are not really mature, and _yes_, things are spelled ways on purpose ( I did spell-check)  
C.D.O is O.C.D. in alphabetical order, And yes, Naruto does say Peepee

I purely made this for **fun** _and_ to (hopefully) **make people laugh**. If you didn't like it and you flame please leave an email or something so I can apologize. I don't have the balls to be mean back, and the criticism is good so I'd also like to thank-you.

Thank-you.

* * *

It wasn't like I didn't like pants. In fact they kept my legs warm, but I hated _Them_. _They_ were evil, a creation only created to give people pain. And _They_ did _Their_ job well. I swear _They_ were put their to keep things together, _They_ were there to make me and every other male with no sanity drive to _in_sanity. _They _left imprints.

And _They_ did _Their_ job well.

Too well.

And I hated _Them_ for it. So I hated wearing pants. Because _They_ were on them. And it wasn't fair.

Especially when Naruto was around. The way he'd wag his hips when he was happy, or the way he rocked his hips when he walked or the way he'd wear girl clothes to train in where the shirt stopped a two inches below his belly button showed three inches of skin and then his pant waist started low, _really_ low, on his hips where anyone could see where the tone-age stopped and his legs started, where the muscle wasn't there.

And I was convinced Naruto was the one to create _Them_ in a past life or something, because he knew and he used everything he had and _Them_ against me to put me in pain. And it worked, because he liked doing it too.

So, I sat there in my house with him demanding to know why I refused to go outside and train with him. I very well couldn't tell him I would only train in my boxers and would get an erection that stuck out the open hole in the front of my boxers that were only flapped over and then we'd have to have kinky sex with my boxers on before we took them off and I prevented him from walking tomorrow if I trained with him.

That would hurt almost more then _They_ did.

But then again that might not be possible because _They_were evil incarnate. The most evil of evile, the Satan _Themselves, _the squeak one makes when they are kicked in the balls.

Oh yeah, _They_are that sinister, sistah.

...Siestah!

Okay, a Siestah, by definition, is me getting into Naruto's pants. Okay, so it's not. I admit I don't know the meaning. Hell, it's probably not even a word. But my brain is so deprived of oxygen because of _Them_ when I get erections...

Who knows?

I don't.

"Goddamnit, Sasuke! Listen to me! Do sit on your ass like a couch 'tater all day and do nothing." Naruto scolded me. He stopped talking only to pout. And what an adorable pout it was...

Have I ever told anyone how happy I am that pillows, especially ones made for couches like the one I'm sitting on this very moment, were invented. And how much I **hate** _Those-things-I-was-describing-earlier_.

Pillows are amazing, most because they can hide erections from Naruto. And that was their purpose in life. To hide erections. Though not only to Naruto because I'd rip off a man's testicles and shove them inside the newly created hole faster them you can say Siestah!, if I ever found out they had an erection for Naruto.

Only I am allowed to have an erection for Naruto. And if I find out any femmies get wet by Naruto...

Well, I haven't thought of what I'd do yet, but it's definitely be bad. And gorey.

"Sasuke...Ever since we've started dating, you've done nothing but avoid me! We both had the same feelings, so what the hell?!" Naruto squeezed my shoulders and straddled himself down on my lap. I tried to stop him, but it was too late.

I mean if the way Naruto's face became a radioactive, glowing red the way it did in such an erotic way or the way his ass slid over my erection, were any indications that it was too late and he found out I was so hard just with his presence.

This was awkward, I admit. But I could use it to my advantage.

Naruto hovered above the pillow frozen for a few minutes. I carefully slid the pillow off my lap, since there was no longer any reason to hide my bulging pants, and guided him to sit where he wasn't on my stiffy but still on my lap.

He looked at my face and bit his bottom lip. I kissed one of his eyelids, then his cheek. He cutely (also read: fuckabley) bowed his head and looked up to me.

"Were...you masturbating before I got here?"

I almost pissed my panties...soiled my undergarment...I mean...

You know what? Whatever. I'm secure enough with my masculinity that I can call them panties or undergarments, and I'm gay anyways.

I also choked on air. Go me.

"Excuse me?" I asked. He looked at me surprised.

"You know polite words?" He asked, almost looking innocent. Naruto could never be completely 'innocent', at least not in my head.

Especially in my times of dealing with myself where Naruto would 'innocently' trail his hands to ass and spread his cheeks wide to invite me into him. Or the way he would touch himself the ways I touched myself or even the time when he stroking his shaft as he sucked me off.

Disclaimer: None of that has ever happened.

Life sucks, you know? And It's hardly ever in a good way.

"Dobe."

"Well sorry. I didn't know that you masturbating was more important then spending time with your lover. Or are you spending time with your lover?"

"What lover?" I asked, because if he's talking about _it_ then, I'm definitely spending too much time with _it_. I would actually like not spending as much time with _it_ as I did.

"Your right hand." Owchies.

"I'm left handed," I told him, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him a bit closer. His crotch barely touched mine and it sent a giant 'Hal-a-luu-_ya_' right down where it counts.

It came back with a 'Fuck, fuck, _fuck_, that hurts.'

I hate _them_.

"And it's my best friend, not my Dobe." I told him. Ignoring _it_.

He blushed and I could just feel his innards melt to me.

Yes, oh mighty me! Yes!

Turn to putty, turn to goo, don't think about me raping you. You are mine and mine alone, tonight's the night you won't go home.

Oh, my precious little Naruto.

I slowly raised my hands up him thighs and over his ass, my eyes rolling back into my head at the euphoric feeling, and under shirt.

"S-Sasuke," he stutter. I looked at him. With his face all red and his eyes kind of shiny, I was going to go insane if he told me 'No.' "Do-do you think about me when you masturbate?"

That question was stupider then _they_ were. "Fuck yes," I growled, forcing my lips to his, our groins rubbed together and it was more pain then pleasure.

"I-I think about you too....when....I....." He mumbled, his voice getting quieter.

It hurt. It hurt, it _hurt_. But it was so fucking incredible.

I traced my hand slowly down his back and under his elastic waist band of his orange sweat pants. Holy Fuckers of Hell, he was commando.

"What do I do?" I asked, my hands _slipping _deeper into his pants. Fuck yes, fuck yes,fuckyes,fuck yesfuckyesfuckesyefuckyeksfuescuek.

"Y-you let me undress you, and lube you as you lie there and sl-slow.....let me slide....down....and ride...your....peepee....."

I looked at him. So, G.O.M. (which is C.D.O. (also read: O.C.D.) for O.M.G.) fuck-able. Cute.

Alright, we'll do it his way.

"Okay," I croaked, "Your way."

He looked surprised. "Wh-what?! I'm a virgy...and..."

"I've got you." I told him, gripping his hips.

"O-okay." He said, sliding back. He unzipped my _it _and my fingers gripped harder on his waist. Oh my Goddess, that was so much better.

Then he laughed.

"What? I asked.

"You have an imprint of your zipper on your penis." He laughed harder.

I hate zippers.

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The end. I hope you enjoyed it!


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